There Is No "If"
The past few days have been especially hard for me. Who am I kidding...the past few weeks...months...years even. They've been hard as I struggle with physical pain in my body.
The doctor tells me that I have a torn meniscus in each knee. This is the first time I've dealt with chronic pain like this. It hurts when I walk. It hurts when I rest. It even hurts to the point of me shouting out in pain in the middle of the night.
It wasn't very long ago that I would have simply booked a surgical appointment and had them both repaired. That's the reasonable course of action, right?
But I had an unsettled feeling in my heart from the beginning as I contemplated surgery. Of course, I don't love the idea of surgical pain. I don't love the idea of the financial cost. But most of all, I felt the prompting of the Lord to "hold"... to simply wait.
So I wait. And I suffer. And I miss long walks with my husband. I miss hiking through the woods and working in my yard.
Waiting doesn't make sense to my logical brain.
In fact, I woke one day with certainty in my heart about having surgery - I felt peaceful and excited to put the pain behind me and get back to exercising and getting fit. But based on my previous certainty to wait, I asked the Lord to confirm this new decision to move forward with surgery. Boy, did He deliver on that request quickly!
I opened the Word that morning to the genealogy of Jesus in the first chapter of Matthew. I read every word at the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and my eye settled on the name "Asa". I could not read past his name, so I dug into the story of King Asa. The punchline is found in 2 Chronicles 16:12-13:
"In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa became diseased in his feet. His disease was severe, yet even in his disease he did not seek the LORD, but the physicians. So Asa slept with his fathers having died in the forty-first year of his reign."
My jaw pretty much hit the floor! And I was frustrated and SO mad! I wanted the pain gone. I wanted to seek the physicians. And frankly, in many areas of my life, I DO seek physicians with no conflict of conscience. I take prescription medicines. I've had surgery. I've been greatly blessed by healing provided by God through physicians' hands.
But the message was clear - the Lord was asking me to wait and seek Him in this. I was super irritated.
Eventually, I decided to settle into hope.
For a while, I was eager in the painful waiting. I figured that God must have something better in store for me. Why else would He ask me to wait?
And wow, the Lord has absolutely knocked my socks off the past couple years. The Bible tells us that followers of Jesus will see signs...believers in Jesus "will cast out devils, they'll speak in new tongues, they'll take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." (Mark 16:17-18)
I'm here to testify -- this scriptural promise still stands to this day!
I've seen it with my own eyes. I've seen demons flee as I pray. I've experienced speaking in new tongues. I've laid hands on the sick, and they've recovered. Glory to God!!
(Admittedly, I've not taken up snakes or sipped on anything deadly...not exactly seeking those things out haha!)
I've seen cancer healed.
I've seen torn ligaments in shoulders healed.
I've seen chronic and debilitating back pain vanish.
I've seen addicts instantly delivered and healed...they're not recovering, they're healed.
And most recently (and ironically)...a woman at church just walked up to me TWO DAYS ago, and she was giddy to share with me:
"Daiquiri! I want you to know that when you prayed for my knee last month, God healed me! He HEALED me! He actually healed me! I had a torn meniscus in my knee...and it's totally healed now!"
I rejoiced with her. "Thank You, God, for healing my precious sister. Thank You for the honor of being Your hands and feet in praying for her. You're amazing!"
We celebrated together, and then I said "you wanna hear a crazy coincidence? I have a torn meniscus in each of my knees. Would you pray for me now?"
She put her hand on my shoulder and prayed for our good God to do for me just what He did for her. Surely, this was it? Surely this was the day of my miracle?
Apparently not. I limped away from that encounter feeling rejected and heartbroken.
Later the very next day (yesterday), a woman asked me to pray for her. She had terrible pain in her back. I laid my hands on her in faith. I believe that Jesus is who He says He is, and that He does what He says He will do.
She felt no improvement in her pain. Her sad blue eyes pierced me as she said "I know He's a healer. Why isn't He healing me?"
It cut me to the quick. My heart broke with and for her because I KNOW the pain in that question.
As I stood and worshiped the Lord yesterday, tears streamed down my cheeks and wet the front of my shirt. I felt utterly rejected and hurt. The pain in my knees paled in comparison to the heart-sick feeling I had that maybe I wasn't loved very much after all.
I KNOW that my feelings are real, but they're not always TRUE.
I fight to take my thoughts and feelings captive and to bend them to conform to the Truth of Jesus.
I speak "It is written..." over myself as I fight the pull of the black hole that is emotional turmoil.
Thank God for His written Word!
And even more, I thank God for the written Word's revelation of the living Word, Jesus.
So I went straight to the written Word this morning for comfort and an emotional "re-set". I'm not going to wallow in lies for another day. This is the day the Lord has made, and I WILL be glad! Teach me, Lord!
The Lord led me Matthew 12:36-39 when Jesus scolded people who were insisting on a sign. He said, "An evil and adulterous generation craves for a sign..."
My breath caught in my chest.
My heart seemed to beat louder than normal.
My ears rang in the profound silence that surrounded me.
Jesus was talking about ME in this verse!
Yes, "signs" will follow those who believe.
But I've been seeking His hand more than His heart.Worse, I've been seeking His hand as PROOF of His heart.
Oh, Lord, I'm so sorry!
The scribes and Pharisees sought a sign...with impure intent:
"IF You are who You say You are, then show us a sign.
Prove Yourself to us.
Do what we want when we want it."
So ugly...but haven't I been doing the same?
"IF You love me, then show me a sign.
Prove You love me by healing me.
Do what I want how and when I want it."
Yup - just as ugly.
I confessed the sin before the Lord, and I repented with all my heart. He was faithful and just to forgive me and wash me clean (1 Jn 1:9).
All at once, I heard His familiar voice whisper lovingly:
"There is no 'if'"
I was swept under the wave of love that rolled over me.
Thank You for your patience with me and my bratty ways! Thank You that You are my Rock even when I make the mistake of setting my eyes on the wind and waves.
Thank You for Your unfailing love and faithfulness.
Words cannot express Your goodness Lord. Please see the welling of love and awe in my heart for You, God. Let the incense of my love and worship rise to Your throne day after day. Night after night. Regardless of my earthly circumstance...You are holy and worthy and so very good.
