Am I Willing?

Hey Bloggy Friends...have you read Kelli's story yet? (she's a guest writer at Rocks In My Dryer today).

You can also go straight to Kelli's blog if you'd like more info about her (I can't figure out how to get this button to link to her, sorry).

I'm feeling a bit...haunted.



I'd read Kelli's story months ago. I was so touched by this young mom who was facing a life threatening illness, that I called the donor number and requested an info packet to get signed up to be evaluated as a potential donor.

I got the packet in the mail. I filled out the papers. I got really REALLY scared about the whole idea. I filed the papers away. I pretended I never got them.

That little voice? It's been urging me to get those papers out and finish them up for some time now. I've been doing my best to ignore that voice. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I wish that little voice would leave me alone!

And then Kelli showed up at Rocks In My Dryer today. Ugh.

I went over to her site, hoping to read a post saying that they'd found her a donor. No luck.

Those dang papers.

So I dug them out of my file, finished filling them out, and sealed them all up in an envelope and sent them off. It's done. I've signed up to be a living kidney donor for Kelli Bauch.

Part of me thinks, "Hey, since the Lord seems to be prompting me to do this, maybe I'm her match! Wouldn't that be awesome?!"

But part of me thinks selfish and frightened thoughts like, "Oh no, what if I'm a match! I don't want to have surgery. What if something happens to me and I can't be a mom and wife like I want to? What if I die and leave my family without me? What if one of my own family members needs a kidney some day and I won't have one to give? What if, what if, what if...."

Obviously, I don't know what the outcome will be. But this experience of just filling out the paperwork has been eye-opening for me. How giving, how loving, how self-sacrificing am I...really? It's so easy to "talk the talk"...until it comes time to actually sign on the dotted line.

If nothing else, this has been an exercise in trusting the Lord. I might be a match for his beloved daughter, Kelli. One daughter helping another. Who am I to stand in the way of that plan? And if that's his plan? Well, then he'll probably see me through it, won't he?

And if it's his plan, but I die during surgery or from complications after? Well, my days are numbered anyway. What better way to go than to lay down my life for a friend?

Yeah, the whole thing makes my stomach turn a little too.

But here I am, at least in my heart and mind, willing. Willing to at least see what the Lord has in mind. And if what's on his mind is having me donate a kidney? Well, I trust that he'll give me enough grace and courage to deal with that...