The Drought
(This post cross-posted at Moms In The Right)
This is going to be a short post. Well, relatively speaking anyway. I usually go on and on and on... But this week? This week I've been seeking, but I've been getting...nothing. Do you know the feeling? Do you every pray and seek and read and examine your life to try and figure out what's "off"...only to be left with no answers? No little voice whispering to your heart, no verses jumping off the page just for you, no peace in your heart. It's frustrating. And unsettling. Really, I hate it.
I guess this is just part of the journey. Sometimes He's so near that if I close my eyes, I swear it's as if there's a physical Jesus sitting next to me. I can almost feel his breath. And then sometimes I cry out to him, only to feel alone and deserted. That's not to say that when I feel alone and deserted that I am alone and deserted. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me. He's a God of his word. But for some reason...I just can't sense him here.
It's during these unsettling times that I find myself asking...is this real? Is this Jesus story a sham? Is it something I believe only because it's what I was raised with? Is it something I believe only because I want to believe it? I have a moment (or several) of sheer panic...like I'm falling off a cliff. But then I look to the proof.
The verse 1 John 3:24 is very reassuring to me: "... And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us."
Even in my moments of greatest doubt and fear, I can not deny the amazing work that the Spirit has done in my heart and life. I've grown and changed in ways that I could not have if the Spirit was not in my life. And I can't heal my physical self....I can't make provision show up in my mailbox...and I can't change the state of my heart. Only the Lord can do those things, and it's proof. It's proof that he lives in me.
Another verse that speaks to me during these times of drought is 1 John 3: 20: "whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."
It doesn't help one bit that during these times of drifting, my enemy does his very best to do his thing in my heart. I start to doubt myself and the security of my relationship with my Lord. All I "hear" is what a lousy Christian, mom, wife, friend, blogger, photographer (you name it) I am. It hurts. It feels so real, that I find myself believing the lies.
But that verse...God is greater than our hearts...reminds me that he is my solid anchor. He never changes, unlike my fickle (and hormonal) heart and mind. Despite how I feel or what I think, the truth of God and the truth of who I am in him does not change.
I'm his kid. He loves me enough to humble himself even to death on a cross. He saved me. He's been with me every moment of my little life since I invited him in. Period.
So, I guess I'll just wait it out. I'll continue my prayer and worship...and I'll trust that this time of doubt is doing it's work to strengthen my faith.
Ah...and here I told you this was going to be a short one! ;-)
| 1. Vanessa ~ That Thy Faith Fail Not 2. Linda - Nickers and Ink | 3. Everyday Becky 4. Deanna |
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