Today's Psychobabble

We were outgrowing our little 1950's house.  It had 3 tiny (and I mean ti.ny.) bedrooms, and I was pregnant with our third child.  We were also in the area's worst school district, and all of our neighbors were elderly so there were no neighborhood kids for ours to play with.  We needed a change.  We had to either find some money to move or find some money for private school.   

Maybe it was the nesting thing.  I'm a passionate person to begin with, but when I'm pregnant?  Watch out, world!  I have a to do list, and it's flat gettin' DONE.  My mission was to find us a new house to move in to.  And quickly, please.  Like maybe yesterday.

We found the perfect neighborhood.  We looked at several houses.  We wanted one of them desperately.  We crunched every number we could find...but none seemed to provide the moving expenses and larger mortgage payment we'd need.  I was so discouraged.

But at the same time, I found myself with an overwhelming sense of relief and peace.  We tried our very best.  We tried to shove a door open that seemed to be bolted shut.  In fact, does this door even have hinges?  Hello?  I don't think so.

So we settled in to our cozy little house with the glowing wood floors, giant trees, and yellow 1950's tile in the kitchen.  We set our sights on really making that house our own, making it cozy, making it organized.  Knowing that we weren't going anywhere anytime soon?  It made it so much easier to really enjoy where we were.  It felt great...the definition of contentment.

I gave birth to our sweet little Samantha in November.  The following spring, we had a weekend trip planned with some friends.  We were driving through their neighborhood to go and pick them up so we could caravan up to our mountain retreat.  They lived in the neighborhood that we'd been trying to move to.

And as we drove down the street, we saw a newly posted "Property By Owner" sign.  Just out of curiosity, we stopped for a flyer.  I tried to guess the price as I walked up to the box to get the paper.  I was thinking a pretty big number since it seemed like a huge house...not to mention very pretty.

I looked at the number on the flyer, and laughed.   "This is our house", I thought.

I walked back to the car, gave the flier to my husband with a twinkle in my eye, he looked at the number, and we both just started to giggle like a couple of high schoolers.  Well, maybe he wasn't exactly giggling.  He'd tell me his "man card" might be confiscated if he were convicted in bloggyville of giggling.  But I could see it in his eyes.  He was giggling.  On the inside.

We rushed to our friends' house, and immediately called to ask for a tour of the house.  They promised to show us when we returned from our trip.  It turns out, the old owners go to our church.  The house was PERFECT for us.  The price was actually higher than the other houses we'd been looking at, but somehow those stubborn numbers just...worked. 

We took a leap of faith, and put an offer in on the house that wasn't even contingent on the sale of our old house.  It's not like we were able to pay two mortgages.  I was a little nervous.

No need though...we put our house on the market, and we had 3 offers at the first open house!  We sold the house for $35,000 MORE than we had it listed for!  Thank you, Lord!

Why am I telling you all of this?  It's just such a familiar story in my life.  It's exactly like when I wanted to find love.  And when I wanted to get pregnant.  

I tried and tried and tried.  I did everything humanly possible.  I cried.  I begged.  I pleaded with God.  I was miserable.

Well...except for the trying to get pregnant thing...that was far from miserable ;)

But the timing of finding Luke?  And of finally getting preggo with our first?  And finding this house?  The timing was what was so similar.  None of it happened until AFTER I found contentment where I was.  Not "I'm sure I can find happiness if it doesn't happen" contentment.  More like "I'm so happy the way things are right now, that I'm not even sure I want to get married, have a baby, move, etc.!"

Does anyone really need more proof of God's sense of humor than that?  

I guess my point is...well, I have some contentment to find.  There's stuff in my life like the size of my rear end and our checking balance that I've been SO incredibly stressed out about, it's not even funny.  I think about it, I worry about it, I pray about it...I'm in that "doing everything humanly possible" mode...and getting NOWHERE.

In fact, I feel like I'm going backwards.  Like when the accountant called today to tell us all about that giant tax return that I've been banking on, planning on, and hoping on.  He informed us that we actually have to PAY far more than I had even dreamed of getting as a return!  Does the IRS take AMEX?  Not exactly a giant step forward on my path to contentment.

The thing is this...I know that I have to get to that contented place with these areas of my life, but how?  Just knowing where I need to go isn't exactly a roadmap to get there.  

I suppose that part of the journey is examining my motives for wanting to get there - do I think that God will pull a bunny out of his hat as soon as I arrive, and therefore I want to get there quickly?  Yeah.  Kind of.  I guess I'd better get over that idea, since that's not true contentment.  That's pretend contentment with hope of change.  Hope of change is really just another step backward.

Contentment...it's more of a being truly happy where I am...to the point of almost NOT wanting change.

Ack - I warned you - psychobabble.

I'm going to go to bed now and I'm going to pray.  Pray for a change of heart.  Pray for a bona fide miracle in the areas of my life that seem on the hopeless side.  Pray for that elusive contentment.  Not for change's sake, but for true contentment's sake.

Unless there is a bunny being pulled from a hat around here...anyone know where I can get a ticket to that show?