Headin' Out

My wonderful man and I are getting out of here for the weekend!  We're driving 18 hours down to Phoenix...visiting family, doing a couple of photo shoots, returning a car to Luke's brother, and just generally getting a break from the norm.

I'm excited.

And totally freaking out to be leaving my four precious babies locked in their rooms with a box of granola bars and some water bottles for the weekend.  Do you think they'll be okay?  I'm sure they will.

Okay - not funny.  One of my sisters and her wonderful man (and their two kids) are staying at our house for the weekend to watch the kids for us, enjoy the chaos of a house with 6 kids, and spoil our kids so much that they'll be disappointed when Luke and I come back home :-)

(and to be honest, I AM freaking out a bit.  It pains me to leave my children {sniff. sniff} )

I can't WAIT to have my love all to myself all this time!  And we're stopping in Vegas on the way down - I've never been there.

Have a great weekend, everyone!


Me:  "Kiddos, I love you from here to the moon and back infinity times!"
Clara:  "I love you too Mama.  I'll miss you."
Ben:  "I love you too, and hey Mom!..did you know that at the speed of light all you have to say is 'one hippo' and you'd be on the moon!  If you said 'one hippopotamus' you'd be back!" 
Sammy:  "I love you to the moon and back...to play time!"
Thomas: {squeeeeeze}

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Oh, Baby!

I mean, really.  Can a little girl get cuter?!

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Show-offs

Well, here we are at the end of another school year (impossible!), so it's time for the kids to show their stuff.  Grandma and Grandpa got the two older kids a couple of months of gymnastics for Christmas this year - what a hit!  When it came time to choose between signing up for basketball, softball, or soccer this spring they both chose...GYMNASTICS!  They live for their hour at the gym each week.  

The gym did a movie themed show a couple of weeks ago.  The boys did their routine to music from the "Transformers":

This picture just makes my heart go pitter patter!  Look at my big strong boy:

PS.  Hey lady in the green...who are you and why are you taking pictures of my son??

Clara's group did their number to "Princess and the Frog" (hence the green clothes):

Our girl is ALWAYS stuck in the back because she's taller than everyone else.  This time though, she got to be front and center.  So fun!  I was especially proud of her when she lost her little taped-on skirt half way through the routine.  She saw it fall, sort of paused for a second, then just shrugged and kept on dancin'.  That a girl!

A few days later, Ben's class did their presentation of "Snow White and the 170 Dwarfs".  Every second grade class dressed as dwarf (not quite 170 kids, but the exaggeration made a point).  My kids have kept me giggling the past few weeks because they keep talking about this program, and they struggle to pronounce the word "dwarf" - it always comes out like "dorks" instead.  Um...yeah.

Okay, I KNOW every parent thinks their kids are the best, but really.  Now look at this picture and tell me who the best looking kid is:

There's Ben hi-hoing his way to work like every little dork dwarf does:

And of course, there must be plenty of shovel hugging.

Okay, well, hi-ho-hi-ho, it's off to do the dishes and laundry I go.  Have a great Wednesday everyone!

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You Can Take the Boy From the Nap

....But not the nap from the boy.  Or maybe it's the other way around?

We've been trying to avoid an afternoon nap for our little Tornado Thomas.  He loves his mid-day nap of about 3 hours, but when we let him sleep during the day, he's up until 10 PM torturing his older brother (and us) with running around the room, hitting Ben, and generally destroying their bedroom.

So we're in the difficult in-between phase right now.  He wants a nap.  He needs a nap.  But only because he's not sleeping enough at night yet.  We're slowing guiding him...pushing him...okay, FORCING him to sleep at night instead of during the day.

But every now and then, the boy just needs to sleep.  So he does.  Wherever he is, he just stops, drops, and sleeps.  He sleeps hard, so we have fun messing with him ;-)  I generally just kiss his sweet little face a lot, and enjoy breathing in his little boy smell while he's staying still for once.  And, of course, I take pictures:

(I love that foot!)

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Sunshine

My little shadow and I spent hours upon hours sitting outside last week.  The sunshine washed over us, the breeze made the leaves sing to us, and the gold finches forgot we were there after a bit and entertained us with their fluttering and battling for bird seed.  The sun soaked into our skin and warmed our hair.

There are some days that I'm just willing to take my chances without sunscreen.

Proof that I was actually there?  I took a photo of myself too...see?  There I am reflected in my daughter's eye.  

Today is going to be a nice day.  Headed to go visit a cherished friend...a friend who is wise and joyful beyond belief.  I get to give her a precious gift, and I can't wait.

It's chilly, but sunny.

My big kids are off to school, and my little ones are screaming "Backpack!" at the Dora video I put on for them :-)  I think I even have time for a quick shower while Dora entertains them and prevents them from running out the front door or emptying the refrigerator while I'm in the other room.

My husband is doing what he loves - he's like a child for the joy in his eye and the spring in his step.

Can't ask for much more ♥

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Happy Baby Girl

I had a shoot with this adorable little cherub today.  What a job, eh?!

When Sammy saw me processing the shoot she said, "Scoot over Mama, I hafta kiss that cute baby!"

'Nuf said :-)

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How Cool is THIS?!

Never mind the laundry.  Or the dishes.  Or the fact that I have some work to do to prepare for tomorrow's shoot.  Or heck...the KIDS.  I spent the day re-designing my blog!  What do you think?

I love the fresh clean feel of my new little blog, and how easy it is to edit.  My next goal is to do the same to my photography blog.

Why the change?  Mostly because I wanted to be able to post bigger pictures.  With my old 3-column blog, I kept running out of room.  And also...because I just wanted to, that's why ;-)

Looking for something?  Please check out the navigation bar at the top (a row of words just under the header picture that turn red when you mouse over them).  Otherwise, you can find the labels in the sidebar. If all else fails, you can always type in a word to search for in the "search this site" tool, also found in the sidebar.  

I'm trying to figure out how to make a navigation button that enables you to email me.  Anyone know how to do this?  Help please!

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Sweet Baby Girl Fix it Friday

It's not as if I don't have my own pictures to edit, print, and share.  And yet, I find myself sitting here tinkering with someone else's photo this fix-it-Friday!  It's no wonder I don't get anything done...I'm so distracted by every bright shiny thing that comes my way :-)

Here's I ♥ Faces "before" photo this week.  It's a cute shot of this adorable little girl, but the mom says she was low on light and she doesn't like the distracting background.  Clearly, there's also a bit of a color cast.

My first step (as always) was to open in Lightroom.  I couldn't quite get the color right, so I switched to b&w, which had the added benefit of knocking out some of the distracting background.  I also did a quick skin soften, and then I did my favorite part...enhanced the eyes.  Eyes just make or break a portrait, don't you think?  Stay tuned - I think I'm going to start writing some tutorials on making eyes pop (and even adding missing catch lights!).

Finally, I popped over to PSE to remove a few little distractions and to have some fun with one of Jerry's masks.  Good grief, I'm crazy about this artist.  Go see him at Shadowhouse Creations - tell him he's wonderful and that I sent you :-)

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The In-Between

Today is a quiet, grey, and rainy day.  Well, quiet but for the birds singing their songs from my trees.  There's a little red-breasted bird that keeps visiting my bird feeder.  My Grandma loved birds - the last gift I gave her was a little ceramic bird that looks like this same little bird on my feeder.  When I watch that bird peck at the thistle, I see my Grandma lying on her couch, carefully opening the package, and the happy gleam in her eye as she held that little piece of bird-shaped glass.

"Put it over there", she said in a quiet voice.  She was smiling at me and pointing a tired finger at the shelf that was in her line of vision when she rested on the couch.

I gave it to her as a Christmas present.  It was Thanksgiving time, but I knew I wouldn't be back for Christmas, so I gave her the gift early.  I think I knew in my heart that it would be the last time I saw her.  That must have been the reason for my compulsive need to hug and kiss her and to keep telling her how much I loved her.

"Ya.  Love you too", she'd say with a gentle hand patting my cheek.  I loved her hands.

Hmmm.  I don't quite know where this is coming from.  I sure didn't sit down with a plan to write about Grandma.


I'm in limbo today.  Sort of half way between doing about 15 things.  Can't figure out what I want to do...what I should do.  Wandering around the house...tinkering...looking...feeling uneasy.  I wish God would send me a memo with some life's goals outlined for me.

I can't quite tell if I'm bored or overwhelmed.  Know the feeling?

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Gettin' Back Up

I think my pastor reads my blog.

He preached the most amazing sermon this weekend, and I swear he was looking right AT me.  AND he was talking directly to the little spiritual crisis I had when I thought Ben might have a heart problem.  I swear...he quoted my blog!

Now, those of you who know my pastor are totally rolling your eyes right now.  Our awesome pastor who travels all over India and certain high-conflict countries preaching the gospel and quite literally risking his life to support and love underground churches...he is clearly NOT sitting around reading my blog.

Maybe, just maybe, God Himself had a few things to say to me.

Ever since I typed those words.  No, ever since I felt those words in my heart...I've been ashamed.  "It's the way any mom would react", is what I've been hearing time and time again from friends and family.

That might be true, but I hoped for more.  I expected more from myself.  And I can't quite shake the feeling that He expected and hoped for more from me too.

I totally crumbled.  I was to the point of "save me, but otherwise leave me alone...I don't want this battle".  I could practically feel the words of discouragement and fear slithering from that Liar's lips...and still, I let myself be burdened with them.

Satan can't keep me from being God's child.  He can't keep me from being saved.  But he CAN do his very best to make my life one of fear and misery and isolation.  He can try to keep me from joy.  Jesus told us that he was out to get us...why do I so often let myself forget?

I think one of Satan's favorite tricks is to first try and convince us that he's not real.  When he goes into battle, the first weapon he picks up and throws on is a cloak of invisibility.  How can we fight against someone who we don't see?  That we don't really believe is there?  We can't, that's how.

But we are called to pick up our armor and weapons too.  One of them is Truth.  God's Truth.  The Word.  And the Word tells us that Satan is real and he's looking to devour us.

Yes, horrible and terrifying thoughts flooded my mind in that moment that I first looked at Ben and saw blue lips.  But the reason those thoughts debilitated me was that I LET them do so.

I have my marching orders.  Grab my armor.  Arm myself with the Truth.  Pray.  Actively take my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ.  I did none of it, and I suffered for it.

And now?  Picking up my weapons is exaclty what I'm doing.  Ever since I turned to the Lord and said "fix my son or get the hell away from me", I've felt deeply ashamed.  Where does that shame come from?  Not Jesus.  Where??

I KNOW where.  And as of right now, I'm turning to the one whose tongue is black with hatred and lies, and I'm saying

I SEE YOU, YOU BASTARD

I'm not listening anymore.  I am pressing on, persevering.  I am taking my thoughts captive to the One who loves me and who died to save me and who will never abandon me.   The One who conquered sin tells me that there is no condemnation...that I am forgiven.

If I continue to beat myself up over this, then I'm letting the wrong team win in my life AGAIN.  I won't do it.  I feel it, yes.  The same and disappointment and sadness run deep.  But these thoughts are not reality.  I am not shameful.  I am not a disappointment.  I am loved.  I am whole.  I am covered by grace and love.

So there.

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One Lucky Mama

I was so spoiled this Mother's Day!  My sweet husband let me sleep in (ahem, I admit this is nothing new since he gets up with the kids every weekend...I know... he's the best).  I woke to the sounds of little voices saying "Happy Mother's Day!  Open mine first!" and little elbows and knees climbing over and on me to get a good spot to watch me opening my treasures.

I had an idea that it would be a great day since I managed to avoid wetting the bed when Thomas stomped on my bladder and no one woke me with the words "Wow Mama, your breath is stinky!" ;-)

The thing they were all the most excited about though, was the cake.  They'd made me a special Mother's Day cake, complete with homemade butter cream chocolate frosting.  Guess what I had for breakfast :-)

Then I called my own Mama and thanked her for being so wonderful.  

Then I got off the phone and let myself feel sad for a few minutes cuz I miss my Mom.

And my Grandma.

Then I decided I had to be done feeling sad and to just enjoy the day even if I couldn't take my Mom out to pizza.

Since we're blessed to live near several grandmas, we got loaded up in the car to make the rounds.  First stop was Hubby's mom.  She has a nice little play area with picnic tables, so we packed a lunch and ate there with her.  I was so thankful for a sunny day.

Here's Clara's "I'm trying to eat here, Mom" face:

Sammy's "I love it when you take my picture....how 'bout a wink" look:

Thomas's "I'll indulge you with a fake smile instead of running away" look:

And Ben's "I guess I'll sit here and smile since you threatened my life if I ran" look:

After lunch, we dashed over to Great Grandma's to drop off some goodies, and then it was home for Thomas' nap.  While he slept, we planted the lilac plant that my wonderful man gave me and I went for a  (rather painful) run.

No celebration of anything having to do with me is complete without Mexican food, so we met Grandma and Grandpa for dinner at my favorite restaurant.  Their spinach enchiladas are so yummy, they almost brought me to tears.

I've been eating too much salad.

I just had to take pictures of the homemade goodies the kids gave me - they're so precious to me!

Sammy made this wonderful "flower" for me with the help of her preschool teachers.  The photo is simply the most beautiful photo of Samantha I've ever seen!

She also drew a picture of us together and signed her name.  My baby girl is getting so big!

Ben made this sweet fridge magnet at school.  Look at my handsome boy!  How priceless are sweet and thoughtful teachers?

Thomas drew me a couple of pictures too.  Apparently, he thought his gift lacked a little zip because he ripped the gift bow off Ben's gift, attached it to his drawing, and presented it to me with a big kiss (complete with the "mmmmmaaaaaa" sound effect) :-)

And Clara - she made the most incredible book for me.  She did all the writing and drawing with zero help from anyone.  I could just see how hard she worked on it.  

"My mother is very nice.  She is 28 inches tall.  She weighs 52 pounds.  She has blue eyes.  She has brown hair.  The food she likes best is Pesdu (pizza??).  Her favorite color is blue. 

 Pizza is my mom's favorite food, but she doesn't like cat's"

"She spends most of her time doing: Red's book's (reads books...can't tell you how thankful I am for this instead of 'being on the computer')

The thing my Mom likes to do for fun is: tac Picxrs (take pictures)"

"My Mom helps our family by: git grsres (get groceries)

When my Mom daydreams she thinks about: that hre cod sta in bed olda da (that she could stay in bed all day!!!)"

"If Mom could have one wish come true, she would wish for: That Bale is aliv (that Bailey is alive)"

I suppose I should have been a bit more melancholy over this final page about our dead dog, but I couldn't help bursting into laughter at the picture of our little spotted dog (she even drew the detail of his differently colored eyes!) with his legs in the air and a smile on his face.

Oh, my sweet kiddos, you're such a gift!

"Happy Mother's Day" was the perfect thing to say since a Happy Mama is exactly what I am.

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Friday Fix

I'm awfully thankful for this slow and uneventful day after the excitement of this week.  How can a few days stretch on for what seems to be roughly 247.3 years?  Oi.

They're doing their normal Friday Fix over at I ♥ Faces.  Here's the before shot:

And here's my fix:

(I'm loving my new way of making those beautiful browns sparkle a bit.  Using Lightroom, I zoom waaaay in and use the brush tool to up the exposure (just a tad) in the iris.  I leave the dark ring around the iris and the pupil as is.  It's a quick way to increase the contrast so the details in browns eyes pop.)

Have a great weekend everyone.  Squeeze those babies!

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All is Well

We're supposed to be able to learn to say that "all is well with my soul" no matter what.  Clearly, I'm not there quite yet.  I am what I am...still a fearful child in the arms of a God I can't understand and still don't quite trust.  And I don't know how to pretend otherwise for anyone's sake, or for the sake of talking the good Christian talk.  Even if I could put on a show for you, what good what it do anyone?  God knows me.  For good or bad, He knows.  That's all that really matters.

I'm well because the cardiologist said that Ben is well.  To use her words, his exam was "pristine".  She felt pulses in extremities, listened to his heart in more ways than I thought were possible, she reviewed the labs, she double checked the ultrasound.

Apparently, there are cases where a person can turn alarmingly blue for no particular reason at all.  It could be a change in temperature, a viral reaction, a reaction to intense activity, etc.  My little Ben's heart is whole and strong and healthy.  It will continue to beat faithfully until the One who decides such things says it's time for it to stop.

Thank you, Lord.

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Regret

I regret yesterday's post.  There's no denying that it describes how I was feeling...I just should have kept it between me and the Lord.  Sorry for dumping on you, dear internet friends.  I appreciate your words of understanding and support, and most especially, your prayers.

God is mighty and He does answer prayer.  I've had sweet and very concrete reminders of this in the past few days when I most needed to know that He's with me.  Our little family will certainly not be in the category of "having not because we asketh not" with you dear friends in our corner.  Thanks.

If we have not, it will be because God wants it that way.  This lack of control over the most important parts of my life causes me endless grumpitude.  I keep telling God how much this sucks and how I don't like the way He's doing things.  He sits there patiently and takes my ranting.  He's a better parent than I am, to be sure.

No new news to report since yesterday.  We have an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist this morning, which is a huge relief to me.  There have been no new incidences of blue lips.  At this point, I'm really thankful that I'm not the only person who saw him when he was off color.  At least three other people noticed it enough to comment, and two of them are registered nurses.  If it had just been me, I probably would have started thinking I must have imagined it.  I didn't imagine it.

I'll let you know what the cardiologist has to say.



PS.  During one of my most fearful moments recently, I turned to the Lord and asked, "Are you going to let this hammer fall on me and crush me?  Will I be destroyed?"  His response...."The hammer has already fallen.  Jesus was crushed for you.  It was a mighty blow and beyond pain you will ever know.  You will not be destroyed.  He took the blow for you."  

Through all of this - even if the worst happens - I still have much to be thankful for.

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No News vs. Good News

Ben's blood work and echocardiogram came back normal.  I'm relieved.  But still...is it truly normal or are we missing something?

His lips were just SO frighteningly blue.  Surely, something caused it?

We've been passed on to a pediatric cardiologist and are meeting with her tomorrow.  I'm relieved.  If there's something to be found, she'll find it.

I'm walking around feeling like my chest is filled with dry leaves tossing and swirling...trembling...unstable...sickeningly dizzy with fear.  My Benjamin...

Faith is so simple and easy when life is rosy.  And then something scary happens, and I'm left back at the starting blocks.  Really?  I have to start way back here again?  What is wrong with me?

Who is this God of mine?  Holy.  Love.  Peace.  Mighty.  Sovereign.

I don't want the strength to get through an unimaginable loss.  I want to avoid the loss.

There's all sorts of talk about "refining" and "molding" and "shaping" and "purification".  Sounds great and noble...until I find myself standing on the edge of a blazing fire wondering "Is He gonna make me go in THERE?"

Sure, He tells us that He'll finish the work He started in us.  He tells us He'll never leave us.  We can read about becoming more and more like Jesus.

But right now?  I'm a little ashamed to admit that I don't care about any of that.  Not even a little bit.  He saved me by his grace, and at this point, that's all I care about.  I don't want refinement.  I'm going to heaven because He saved me....but as far as being refined before I get there?  No thanks.  I'll take the econo-meal plan.  Option el-cheap-o.  Salvation.  Period.  Heaven as through the fire...with my earthly treasures (family) happily intact.

Immature? Yes sir.  Selfish?  Yep.  It is what it is.

I DON'T CARE.  I want my children safe.

I guess if you're looking for high road Christain-ese, you'd better keep looking.  Today, I've got none of it to offer...just ugly old me.

(Why am I afraid to push the "publish post" button?  I sort of feel like I'll get struck down by a bold of electricity from the sky.  What is with this constant FEAR?)


UPDATE:  Gettin' Back Up

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Dying a Little Here

Set my alarm for 6 this morning so I'd have time to get up and shower before the kids roll out of bed at 7.  We have an 8:45 echocardiogram scheduled for my precious Benjamin.

So far, all the tests they've done have come back normal.  I know this should relieve me.  I don't really know why it doesn't.  Blue lips, maybe.  I can't get the picture of my son with blue lips out of my mind's eye.  I guess I've resigned myself to the idea that there's something....we just haven't found it yet.

There are other things going on in my life, I'm sure.  But I have no idea what they are.

I don't know if I have the faith for this.

Children get seriously sick every day.  Children die every day.  How does this planet continue to spin?  How do parents who've lost children raise their hands in praise instead of fists is fury?  I can't go there.

I'm told that we get the grace we need as we need it.  I don't have the grace for something big.  I guess I don't need it yet.  Maybe that's a good sign.

All I know is that if there's grace to be had just at the moment we're expected to step forward in faith, I can't go trying to take that step until it's time...until He's given me what I need.

I won't lie.  I'm scared.  I can't sit here and say "whatever God's will is for me, that's what I want".  I want my son healthy and strong.  Period.  And frankly, if that's not God's will for him, for us, then I'm not sure I can type what I think without turning to a pillar of stone right here and now.

UPDATE:  "The Word" in my sidebar caught my eye just now.  Taking comfort in this promise:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."  Isaiah 43:21

UPDATE:  My thoughts from the backside of this mountain:  Gettin' Back Up

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The Beating of This Little Boy's Heart

Don't have the time or energy or will to get into deep details, thoughts or philosophy today.  Just want to get this thing documented so that I can write again soon (hopefully) to say "Never mind!  No big deal!  Nothing's wrong! "

We had a strange day with Ben yesterday - he had 3 separate occasion where his lips were blue.  I mean BLUE.  Blue like he'd just snuck a blue lollipop.  Only he didn't eat anything blue - he was just running around a little.

Put this new development together with his occasional dizzy spells, some congenital heart defects in the family, and one time when Ben came down from his room complaining of feeling like he just got "shot with electricity in my heart"...and you have one set of very nervous parents.

Took him to the doc today.  So far, everything looks normal.  Getting more tests scheduled, and waiting on results from the ones we already did.

He's been a good sport - was a brave little trooper even through the blood draw, and he laughed hysterically when he was eating his cotton candy flavored ice cream cone I'd bribed him with.  He smeared it on his lips and said "Hey Mom, looooook, NOW my lips are blue!"

I had a moment where I didn't know if I should laugh with him, scream "That's not funny!", or just cry.

What a little punk :-)

It's funny how even the slightest hint of this little boy's heart not beating properly...it makes my heart do it's own backflip.  Sometimes I think loving like this is more a curse than a blessing.

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