Dying a Little Here

Set my alarm for 6 this morning so I'd have time to get up and shower before the kids roll out of bed at 7.  We have an 8:45 echocardiogram scheduled for my precious Benjamin.

So far, all the tests they've done have come back normal.  I know this should relieve me.  I don't really know why it doesn't.  Blue lips, maybe.  I can't get the picture of my son with blue lips out of my mind's eye.  I guess I've resigned myself to the idea that there's something....we just haven't found it yet.

There are other things going on in my life, I'm sure.  But I have no idea what they are.

I don't know if I have the faith for this.

Children get seriously sick every day.  Children die every day.  How does this planet continue to spin?  How do parents who've lost children raise their hands in praise instead of fists is fury?  I can't go there.

I'm told that we get the grace we need as we need it.  I don't have the grace for something big.  I guess I don't need it yet.  Maybe that's a good sign.

All I know is that if there's grace to be had just at the moment we're expected to step forward in faith, I can't go trying to take that step until it's time...until He's given me what I need.

I won't lie.  I'm scared.  I can't sit here and say "whatever God's will is for me, that's what I want".  I want my son healthy and strong.  Period.  And frankly, if that's not God's will for him, for us, then I'm not sure I can type what I think without turning to a pillar of stone right here and now.

UPDATE:  "The Word" in my sidebar caught my eye just now.  Taking comfort in this promise:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."  Isaiah 43:21

UPDATE:  My thoughts from the backside of this mountain:  Gettin' Back Up