The Funny Pages of Our Lives

With kids around, there is an abundant supply of funny things being said.  I thought I'd better get them documented before this sieve of a mommy brain forgets...


"Ben, it's time to turn off the TV.  If you keep watching that much boob tube, you're gonna turn into one giant boob!"

"Mom, that's just disgusting."

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"Clara, you can come out of the corner now.  Are you going to cooperate with a cheerful attitude now?  Did you have a chance to think about it?"

"Well, yeah.  And I also noticed that the baseboards over there really need a good cleaning."

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(Ben) "Mom, I know the little kids really like him, but I noticed something about Elmo: he has terrible grammar!"

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(Samantha) "Mommy, you need to change your clothes!  Just LOOK at you!  What if someone SEES you?!"

(Pardon me, my sweet and oh-so-stylish girl...I do believe that there is a law written somewhere...there is a statute of limitations on insulting your mama, and you do not meet the requirements.  I'm quite certain that you must be a non-resident of my WOMB for no less than 10 years before you start giving me fashion advice.  Maybe it's not 10 years, it might be less...I am quite certain, however, that it is more than your mere 4 years.  Thank you for listening.  I love you.  Now excuse me while I go change these ratty clothes.)

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(Luke, sarcastically)  "Yeah, I know, I know.  I'm a TERRIBLE Daddy, aren't I.  I can't believe I said 'no'.  I'm just so cruel.  Am I the worst Daddy ever?  Is this what a mean and evil Daddy looks like??

(Clara)  "No, I think the meanest daddy probably eats his children."

?!?!?!

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(Ben)  "Mom, why do so many grown ups smoke cigarettes if it's so bad for them?"

"Well, honey, it's a tricky thing.  Some people just enjoy smoking because they like how it makes them feel.  Some people don't want to smoke anymore, but they can't quit because their bodies are so used to the drugs in cigarettes that it's painful to not smoke.  That's the thing about being a grown-up.  As long as your choices don't hurt anyone else, you are free to do pretty much whatever you want.  There will always be people who make different choices than you would make...just like you'll make choices that they might not like."

"Do they WANT to die?  Is that why they smoke?"

"Of course not.  They just choose something that's not totally healthy for them.  I make choices like that sometimes too - like when I choose to eat foods that aren't good for me, or when I don't exercise as much as I should.  That doesn't mean that I want to die, it just means I made an unhealthy choice."

"Mom, smoking is different.  Smoking is like putting POISON into their body.  If they want to die so bad then why don't they just go buy a gun, give it to another grown up, and say 'here's my gun, just shoot me already, it will be better than being poisoned to death!' "

(Oh my.  The 'just say no' campaign is surely working on my boy.  Now, just to work in a little compassion...)

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(Ben - he's been full of zingers lately) "Mom, did you know that boys are smarter than girls?"

"Wow, no.  I didn't know that.  In fact, I think you might be mistaken about that, my son.  Boys are not smarter than girls."

"Yes they are!  I'm smarter than....(proceeds to list several girls he knows)"

"That might be true, I don't know..."

"Maybe you don't know because you're a girl!"

"Well, you didn't let me finish what I was saying, and by the way, that was a rude thing to say.  I was going to say that I'll bet there are plenty of girls who are smarter than you.  Ben, being smart or not doesn't have anything to do with being a boy or a girl.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm smarter than you."

"Oh yeah, well I can play chess, and you can't!"

"That's true.  But you're sitting here saying rude and insulting things to a girl...the ONE girl in your life that can take away your DS, the Wii, your bike, your scooter, can ground you, and who can cancel your allowance for this week.  Do you think that's a very smart thing to do?"

"Huh.  I guess not."

"I, and every school teacher you've ever had, are girls.  Guess where you learned about 90% of what you know?  From us dumb girls.  Still think you're smarter than all girls just because you're a boy?"

"Um.  No."

"You ARE a very smart boy, Ben.  You're excellent at observing, solving problems, figuring interesting things out, and even inventing.  You're smart for lots of reasons....but none of those reasons are because you're a boy.  Understand?"

"Yeah....do I still get my allowance this week?"

"Only if you get over here right now and give me a big squeeze, Mr. Smarty-pants."

(I think he got the point...but he still thinks that only girls clean bathrooms.  Might need some help from his Daddy to clear that one up.)

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(Sammy) "Hey Mommy, do you know what a 'milky throat' is?" (pronounced miwky fwoat)

"No, what's that?"

"It's when you have a throat that just keeps saying 'milk please' over and over and over again.  If you have a milky throat, then you want milk every day over and over and over again.  That's what I have, a milky throat."

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Thomas's speech is coming along - he's able to communicate more and more lately.  It's the non-verbal communication that's sometimes the sweetest, though.

I opened my eyes this morning to his big blue eyes staring at me from about 3 inches away.  He was lying on his tummy, propped up on his elbows.  Apparently, Daddy had tucked him in next to me after he'd padded his way downstairs in the wee hours of the morning.  He sat there staring at me in smiling silence...just waiting for me to open my eyes.  He had a big toothy grin and a "Hi Mama" for me the instant I opened my eyes.  I smiled, said "Hi sweet pea", and then (to spare him my morning breath) turned my face away and closed my eyes to fall asleep again.  He reached over with his pudgy baby boy hand, rested his had on my cheek, and gently pulled my face back toward him.  He kissed me on the cheek, then pressed his cheek to my lips so I could kiss him.

"oooo Mama"

"I love you too, sweet boy"

Then he wrapped his arm around my neck, squeezed in tight with his soft breath on my shoulder, and fell fast asleep.  Sleep was gone for me though.  I didn't want to miss soaking in his wonderful snuggle, so I stayed awake and just thanked the Lord for my wonderful life.