Moment by Moment
>> Monday, May 2, 2011 –
Bernie
Feeling a bit like I'm living in some sort of time-free bubble. Right now....how is she? Is she awake? Is she talking? Is she in pain? All that matters is right now. How do we make it better....how do we help....how do we cope....how do we do things like WORK so that we can keep paying the mortgage?
Time-free. Except, that is, when the kids have to get to school....and we can't find the shoes....and Clara doesn't have a single pair of pants that fit her...and Thomas isn't even dressed even though we were supposed to be out the door 15 minutes ago. Time. It's sort of a bugger.
Clara and I both cried on the drive to school this morning.
Not so sure that I'm being the pillar of strength and peace that my children need. I feel bad about that, but have no idea how to change it. So I just hug more.
Some things I want to remember about the past week or so:
- I actually looked UP one day and saw the most spectacular fluffy clouds. "Look at those beautiful clouds, Sammy", I said. "Yeah, they're pretty. Maybe God made them to celebrate the snow cone shack FINALLY being open!" was her sweet reply.
- "Therapeutic Lumbar Puncture" seems like the cruelest oxymoron and it makes me shudder.
- Three strong, broad shouldered men towering over their mother while they work tenderly to make her comfortable in her bed. "I love you mom" as they kiss her goodnight.
- From Ben recently, "Mom, I sure love having communion at church."
"Oh yeah? What do you like about it?"
"Well, lots of times when I want to spend time with God, I can't stop thinking about lots of other things. But when I'm holding that bread in church? And thinking about what Jesus did for me to save me? Well, when I'm doing communion, it's just me and God. Just us and nothing else in my head. It feels good."
Me, "WOW"
- In a confused moment on the way home from chemotherapy being injected into spinal fluid..."I need to get some tickets."
"Some tickets, Mom?"
"Yeah, tickets."
"Tickets for what?"
"For Heaven."
"What kind of tickets are those?"
"Well....Heavenly tickets!"
I will be praying for you and for the person you are caring for. It is such an honor to be the person to care for someone who is going to pass.
My dad is termanally ill with COPD and congestive heart failure. Mom passes in Nov. 2007 and he has lived with us almost a year. July 4th 2010 is when my dad moved in. I'm doing things I dind't know I was strong enough for. But when you love someone it is a gift to you as well as them to give in the time of their greatest need. You will always be able to cherish this time. You will also know you did all you could to let her know God loves her and that is the greatest gift you could give her.
May God Bless you and give you the words that will peirece her heart and allow you to walk her through the faith prayer.
In Him,
Jackie
My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is avery difficult time but God will give you strength. You don't really grow up until you lose your mother. Susanne