Cleaning Day
Yesterday was quite the day. It was cleaning day for me, in more ways than one.
I've been on the verge of something lately - I could feel it. I could feel God knocking at the door of my heart, but just didn't quite know what to do about it. I was stuck somewhere between "Who closed that door?" and "Ugh. Again? I hate this process. I have too much to do to stop and just listen and rest. Not now!"
But, as I said, yesterday was cleaning day. The windows. The patio. The kitchen. The pantry. The bathrooms.
And my heart.
It's always amazing and disturbing to me to realize how quick and easy it is for me to wander from my heart's true home....so easy for me to take my eyes off of Him and get focused on me, mine, and I!
The day started with resentment. I woke to a sticky kitchen floor, an overflowing bathroom garbage, and smelly toilets. Not to mention the piles of dishes on the kitchen counter. Why me? Doesn't a single other person in this family of 6 see that these things need to be done? Never mind. I'll just do it. And then I'll do it again tomorrow because it never stays clean. I cranked the worship music and got to work (but without a heart full of worship). Woe is me.
Then I moved on to defeated. I'm a failure in so many ways. I can't keep my house clean. I can't keep up on the laundry. I didn't do half of what I wanted to do with the kids this summer and school starts again this week. I'm 30 pounds over-weight and I feel powerless to change it even though I've been eating well and exercising like crazy. I feel a bit stalled out in my business and "everyone" seems to disapprove of the way I'm doing things. Woe is me.
Next came angry. Who cares if "everyone" approves? All I can offer is me and my way of doing things - if they don't like it, tough! And where are the garbage bags? I'm just going to toss all this crap in the garbage can. If the kids can't pick up after themselves, I'm not going to either! And to heck with weight loss - I had four babies and this body of mine is healthy and strong. Pass the chips and salsa!
Then, finally, broken. I locked the bedroom door, sat on the floor, my hands still smelling of window cleaner and Comet...and I cried. "I'm a mess here, and I don't know what do do about it. All of this that I'm upset about....just take it please. Take it and fix it. I can't carry it anymore! I'm just not strong enough, and even when I am carrying it, I do a lousy job. Help!"
To summarize....I got over myself, and it felt so great.
That crazy peace beyond understanding washed over me, and my Abba held me on His lap and assured me that all would be fine....in His time and His way.
Now, to just stay here, that's the challenge. How can something so simple be so difficult? Keep my eyes on Him and let Him take care of the rest. Trust Him. Rest in Him. Delight in Him. I WANT to stay here....but there's just something about this world that makes it tough! Thank goodness for His grace and mercy fresh each day.
Last night, I was browsing through "Pinterest" before bed, and I came across the most perfect little saying:
Here's to being happily weak and at peace... in the arms of a very strong and capable God.
Wow. I cannot believe I just read this post.
Last Sunday, I woke up feeling overwhelmed with the condition of my home. And I take it personally when the rest of the family doesn't see to "care" as much as I do. I was so overwhelmed...and starting to feel angry, frustrated. and like a failure too. Then I began to think of all the areas where I fail. Perhaps I am not teaching my kids all the right things. I mean..I felt like a failure in many many ways. then I felt like a failure because I had not been spending time with the Lord. or reading. and I am way too overweight and cant seem to get on the diet wagon. Over. Whelmed.
I went to church, and tried to worship, but I could NOT focus. All I could think about was how awful my house looked, how personally I was taking it, and how I was a failure in every way. Every time I tried to pray, I'd find myself obsessing on all this.
After struggling in prayer...I felt Peace come over me. I felt like this was not a problem about my family, or my home, etc. It was just how I was viewing things. But I felt...happy. Peaceful. No explanation except that in my pleading during worship...God met me there.
I did begin some planning to organize my home and life. And asked God to help me and he did. Its only been a week, but I asked him to help me be disciplined. I soooo lack discipline. But He helped me this week. One day at a time.
Sorry for the loong post...but I Could not believe you wrote everything I felt last Sunday!!! It makes me feel better to know that these are probably common feelings for us stay at home moms. :)
PS...I even tried to blog about it on my SAHM blog...but couldn't find the words. :)
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.
That is lovely - and a good reminder to turn our burdens over to the Lord. Thank you for sharing.